It's Official

I didn't feel it when I found out. I didn't feel it when I heard the heart beat. I didn't feel it when I was told it's a girl. I didn't feel it when I felt her kick me. I didn't even feel it when she was born. She's been in the world and a part of my life for a little over 7 months now and for the first time... I FELT IT! This morning I woke up and can say...I actually FEEL like a mom! I've loved her from the first moment I knew she existed...probably even before that. I loved her even more when I met her for the first time and, if it's possible, I fall even more in love with her each day, however, it never really hit me that she is MINE, that I am her mother, and that that role of motherhood, so essential and so eternally important is MY responsibility, until last night.

Chelsea has had a nasty cold for the last few days. Wheezy, coughing, sneezing, runny nose, etc. etc. We've had a few rough nights because of it, but nothing compared to the awful sleepless night we had last night. It started out great. She went to bed like normal. Brad and I finished the movie we were watching and then headed off to dreamland, not too long after Chelsea did. And within minutes of my head hitting the pillow the shrieking began. This happens on occasion (usually preceded by a bad dream) and the usual protocol is a quick sprint to her room to pop her binkie back in her mouth. So last night Brad took the initiative and hopped out of bed. Not more than a few moments later the shrill cries were heard again. Brad again popped up immediately. After his second return to the bed and Chelsea's third screaming incident I told Brad that this could be a long process and that he should get some zzz's in the spare bedroom if he hoped to be able to function at all the following day at work. So he brought me Chelsea and headed down stairs. It was the beginning of the end. I tried for hours to get Chelsea to fall asleep, which really shouldn't have been very difficult considering how exhausted she was. Her poor little eyes wanted to sleep so bad. But each time I calmed her down enough to get her to sleep, without fail, within 15-30 minutes she would start coughing this horrible, raspy, painful sounding cough and she would wake up screaming again. Between the coughing, the poor little thing was so stuffed up she couldn't hardly breathe either. As her mother, I felt absolutely helpless. We rubbed her down with baby vicks, we had the vaporizer going, and there was only so much rocking, cuddling and suctioning of her nose that I could do. I felt completely powerless, and 100% responsible all at the same time. My precious little baby was exhausted, uncomfortable and suffering and there was no one there to comfort her except ME...her mother. WOW...now was that a overwhelming feeling. It was the middle of the night, I was completely drained and exhausted myself but I was responsible for the comfort and well being of this sick little girl...no one else but me. The realization of that essential and eternal responsibility hit me like a ton of bricks. By 3 am, after only sleeping in 15-30 minute increments for the last few hours, Chelsea was screaming constantly and would not go back to sleep. I ran down stairs and woke Brad up and asked him to come give Chelsea a blessing. So he came up, gave Chelsea a beautiful blessing, suctioned out her nose (he does a much better job of that than I do), and rocked her for a bit. Then she finally went to sleep for the longest stretch we had had that night, a WHOPPING 2 1/2 hours before she was up again.

Needless to say, this morning I woke up feeling cranky, emotional, drained and relieved that the long night was over. But the very first thought that came into my mind was...It's official...I'm a mother!